This Year I Will

Two months into this year I came across an audio book on my library’s shelves, This Year I Will…How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make A Dream Come True by M.J. Ryan.

After listening to it at least six times, I have new thoughts and ammo to make the changes in my life I feel are important to make.

Here is just a little of what I got from Ms. Ryan’s book:

  • There is no one right way to make changes. Read, study, and decide the right way for you.
  • New Year’s resolutions need to be backed by “preparation, when we are getting ready to do it, action, as in ‘I’m starting right now’ ; and maintainance, which means we keep going until we get where we want and stay there.”
  • Understanding why I am the way I am is not nearly as important as I try to make it. Basically, I am who I am. Concentrate on changes I can make now to move towards my goals.
  • To prepare for change, M.J. Ryan includes a practice from Dawna Markova, author of The Smart Parenting Revolution. This is the first step: Write every goal you think you’d like to accomplish in the next twenty years. Write as fast as you can. (Taking my age into consideration, I quickly decided to narrow that down to five years! )
  • We do what we do because it serves some need.

I like this book because it is full of practical, common sense statements that I could relate to. She gives detailed explanations on the difficulties of making a change and follows through with steps to make the change and maintain it.

I purchased the book so I can re-read and refresh my memory as I take the first steps towards a change. I promise to report on how it is going in June.

More on M.J. Ryan and her books: http://www.mj-ryan.com and http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/282538.M_J_Ryan

Return

“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.” 
                                                                        ― Pascal MercierNight Train to Lisbon

1-IMG_9949.jpg

When I was nine years old, my mother received the book I Married Adventure as a monthly book club selection. The zebra-striped cloth cover intrigued me. I opened the book and that began my love affair with Kenya.

Growing up in East Tennessee in the fifties, without much television and no internet,  our world was much more isolated than today.  Reading the book, poring over the pictures of the exotic animals and people of Africa fired my imagination and became part of me.

Fifty years later my two children gave me the surprise of a lifetime with a birthday gift of a two-week safari in Kenya.

I was handed a dream and its reality was better than the dream itself.

  • Arriving at Jomo Kenyetta Airport and climbing into a van with five unknown women, later fast friends known as the African Queens.
  • Crossing a dry river bed going to Amboseli with the snow-capped Mt Kilimanjaro in full view
  • First day of game drives producing gazelle, gerenuk, Grevy’s zebra, reticulated giraffe, elephants bathing in the Ewaso Nyirio River, cheetah, sleeping lions
  • Sleeping under mosquito netting in a four-postered bed
  • Balloon ride above the Masai Mara, skidding over termite mounds upon landing

Animals, or saving souls, are often the reasons for coming to Africa. For me, it was the opportunity to see exotic animals in their home environment. I returned two more times by the end of 2003 because of the atmosphere and the people.

Now I am going again. The trips before were planned out well in advance with a set itinerary and touring with other people. This time is almost spur of the moment, and less than two weeks stay.  I am going by myself,  staying with Mbuthia, my driver on the other trips, and his family.

I look forward to taking a safari to the place I fell in love with so many years before –Lake Paradise in the Marsabit National Reserve.  I am blessed to be able to complete my circle.

 

 

 

 

Life at it fullest

Today I am living life to it fullest.

I spent time in bed with fresh coffee and the day’s newspaper.

I pulled weeds at a leisurely pace in the warm sun.

I clucked over and watered my zinnias and plants of tomatoes and potential broccoli.

I lost a game of Scrabble online to a very worthy opponent.

I visited a friend at NHC to hear her laughter.

I started searching the internet for an airplane ticket to Kenya.

The above was written a month ago. Perhaps I felt I might jinx myself if I posted before I had my ticket in hand. Leaving in two weeks!!

 

Last Memories

IMG_1569-001This is the last photograph of my immediate family. It was made in May of 2001. My brother Lee, on the left was up from Austell, Georgia, and Larry, next to him, came by from Kodak. Our dad and mother and I lived together at the time. As happens, after documenting our group in early years, we hadn’t made one for  years.

Larry died in his sleep the night this picture was taken. It was unexpected and the shock was felt deeply because he was only 62, had not been sick, and was the first of the family to die.

My dad died in 2003 at the age of 94 and my mother in 2008 at the age of 96. Lee and I are the only two left. When talking to Lee recently it dawned on me that when either he or I pass on, there will be no one left with whom to share the exact recollections of our childhood, our upbringing, our family vacations, our steps towards adulthood.

Share what is important to you with kin and friends–write it down, record it, identify pictures. Reminiscing can make you laugh or cry and bring to mind the small as well as important happenings of the past. Memories can bring back a closeness that often has been lost over the years.

Do it while you can.IMG_1586

 

 

 

Baby & Me

IMG_1257 (2)Who would have thunk it? My new part-time job is babysitting with a curly-headed, energetic 13 month old precious Baby Boy.

My children were born in the 60s and my grandchildren in the 90s and the year 2000. Since then most of my exposure to little ones has been oohing over the grandbabies of friends.

After being interviewed by said Baby Boy, his parents, his dog and six cats, I was hired and reported to work the next day. I remembered to not wear jewelry or leave a cup of coffee unattended. I had forgotten the difficulties of interpreting a pointing finger and uuaghh sound.

This child is very, very active. He walks. He climbs higher and higher each day. He explores everything–the pantry, the shelves of collected glassware, the dog’s water bowl when I forget to put it up out of his reach.

He nods his head in time to Christian music and Fruit Loops commercials. He brings me the books of his choice to be looked at as many times as he wants. He rubs both sides of his curly head when he is really, really tired.

That first day, after waving goodbye to mommy, questions flooded my mind. How big a bite can he manage without getting choked? Did his mother say 2 ounces of warm water plus a scoop of formula into the bottle to then be filled with whole milk? Was that a 4 or 6 oz bottle? And one I never figured out with my own–Does he feel cold when I feel cold for him?

Then there is the new paraphernalia in baby land!  It took me three tries to successfully assemble a four-part baby bottle.

Gerber’s oatmeal and banana cereal?IMG_1362 Replaced by Earth’s Best sweet potato cinnamon quinoa, barley & oat pouch, made with flax, unsweetened & unsalted, vegan with no genetically engineered ingredients in non-BPA packaging.

Snacks are dehydrated puffs of fruits and vegetables. No soda crackers or even a goldfish to be seen.Yogurt is common ground in both our diets.

IMG_1287I love that the household includes pets. Chestnut the dog appears to think of himself as the older brother, one who took kindly to a baby and gladly shares toys. He is ecstatic to receive food dropped from the high chair. He howls in sympathy when Baby Boy gets upset.  Callie the Calico       IMG_1249 doesn’t like for Chestnut to get too close to her and emits a hiss every time that happens. I was holding the boy one day. Callie hissed, Chestnut barked, I jumped, baby clutched, I eeked, baby cried.

Many of yesterday’s toys remain favorites–Fisher Price, dump trucks, wooden puzzles and books. New ones have more bells and whistles, movements, and batteries.

FYI:  Barefoot Books, videos found on YouTube can mesmerize a little one.IMG_1388 Franchising merchandise is represented by a Star Wars sanctioned, stuffed, fluffy Chewbaca.

Three weeks into the job and we are both still standing. My muscles and joints have settled back down to their normal ache level. Ibuprofen, a hot shower and sleep are great restoratives.

What causes aggravation is my aging fingers struggling with those snaps on the legs of sleepers and pants. My lord, it takes me as much time to get them lined up correctly and fastened as it does to convince Baby Boy to take a nap.

Being a sitter is somewhat like being a grandparent. The job carries responsibilities but you can leave at the end of your shift happy to pass the torch back to the parents.

I love that at my age I have been given this amazing opportunity to watch a little one develop.IMG_1244

His eyes take in an action and you can almost see his brain turning it over until it is added to his memory bank.IMG_1304

Words are becoming important to him. Momma, Daddy, ba (for bottle), dog, cat, moo are on the tip of his tongue. When was the first time he heard “no” and turned with a measured look to see if you were serious?

His sense of humor shows as he anticipates the last page of the book where he sees himself in a mirror and starts chortling before we get there.

And that smile….which could be why one day I pranced around the kitchen doing a cheer leading routine, using colorful tights for pom poms, with a too small Spidyman cap on my head.

 

 

 

Carpe Diem?

I’ve already acknowledged that isn’t easy to do all the time, at least in a positive way. So if not a day, then try to seize a moment. In times of sorrow, despair or confusion reach for controlling even just a moment.

Bewilderment, fear, questions, tears.      

When hit with unexpected news, especially bad news,everyone reacts differently: slow to take it in, spring to action, and every level of awareness in between.

Make it Yours

Focus on taking in information, accepting offers of help, and talking to those you trust. Prayer and meditation can create a calm that allows your beliefs to provide the answers you need.

Love and healing                                              

Right now I know several people facing serious issues, medical and otherwise, and others who experienced sudden losses in their families.

Then there is our world……

later that evening

i held an atlas in my lap

ran my fingers across the

whole world

and whispered

where does it hurt?

it answered

everywhere

everywhere

everywhere.

                 Warsan Shire

 

All I can do is think love and healing. So I am.

 

 

 

Nick’s Cup

I think I  mentioned in one blog that I am not getting any nicer as I age. In fact, I may be going the other direction. I find myself unable, or unwilling, to control my feelings of vexation and irritation while dealing with others in everyday situations.

Being on an antidepressant does a lot to adjust moods , but the dark side is always there. I am responsible for my actions which are driven by my feelings so I try to keep an eye on myself.

Minding My Ps & Qs
An example of this was worry my sharp tongue might lead to my Beach Bunnies group tossing me into the marsh this year. I talked to a friend who wouldn’t be there. She said she would be thinking of me during the time and hoping the trip went well.

And it did. With her encouragement, my cooperating endorphins and Nick’s cup. 100_1984Nick is the oldest of my three grandsons and it is his sippy cup that ended up being saved…just in case another one came along.

One day when I felt negative about everything, I sat myself down and decided I needed to find a focus in order to block out the negative thoughts.

Nick’s cup was sitting there so I looked at it, checked out the design of the cup, thought of the beautiful dark-eyed boy who used it. Concentration on a concrete object suited my needs. 

Get Down & Personal
A friend recently diagnosed with cancer told me she found herself sobbing in the shower as emotions of anger and fear filled her body. Being a talented person with a needle, she decided to knit her vision of her cancer–dark yarn shaped like a ball, with knots and bumps, filled with mistakes. She can tear at it, throw it, grind it into the floor. It is her concrete release from fears of the unknown.

If you google visualization meditation there are many sites filled with methods and ideas for dealing with stress or negative thoughts. Look for what fits your life style and comfort zone. It doesn’t have to be complicated to work.

One last note: You might want to watch out if you hear me muttering, “Nick’s cup, Nick’s cup,” under my breath.

It Was A Very Good Year

Between my 70th and 71st birthdays:

– Surprise birthday party orchestrated by my daughter. Amazing because although she had invited people several months before and I saw some of these friends on a weekly basis, no one spilled the beans. Total surprise and such fun–people from out-of-town and out-of-state. Three generations of some.

– My first significant fall as a senior. Not an experience I went looking for but I came out of it in fine shape and it didn’t take Boxie too long to recover. (See blog My 70th Year – Boomsday 2014 P. S. I am invited back this year!

– Civil War reenactment in Blountville, TN last October.  I enjoyed the history it presented, from the battle to the soldiers’ tents and the campfire kitchens. Reenactors are sticklers for authenticity which made a close up view of the women’s long hooped dresses and the surgeon’s tools all the more fascinating.

Then came the killing of the nine people attending church in Charleston, SC.

To me, the Confederate flag has never been  a symbol, but just a flag flown in the south during the War Between the States.  IMG_3711

My viewpoint is that of a white person born in 1944 in Georgia and growing up in Tennessee with a few years lived in North Carolina. I graduated high school right as segregation began. Beyond school books, I  never delved into what the 1860s period of history meant to others.

By attending the reenactment and then reading of the deaths in Charleston in June, I stepped out of my small world, learned some history, and was forced to confront that history in the present.

– I went to a The Edge, a Knoxville gay bar, alone, to see Del Shores perform.  Shores came to town right after one of his plays, Sordid Lives, was presented by Theatre Knoxville Downtown.

The play was utterly hilarious, and his show was recommended by a friend who worked with him once. I didn’t hesitate to buy a ticket, thinking others I knew would be going, but that didn’t happen so I ventured out by myself. I didn’t mind going alone; it is better than staying at home.

The material he presented was just plain funny–He read real police reports which you thought had to be made up. A lot of his humor comes from being raised in the south, being the son of a Baptist preacher and being gay.

I came away from the evening, thankful he created a life based on laughter, not violence, and I am ready for the next encounter.

– Going by bus for the Women’s March on Nashville.(see blog My 70th Year – My First Activist March)052

– Celebrating with a great wake, the life of a friend who died after a long fight with cancer. There were at least four such parties and I am sure he enjoyed every one of them. No obit and no funeral for him.

– Found myself lying on the floor of Knoxville Soap, Candle and Gifts Shop for an hour, with a  large scarf covering my face and body, listening to singing bowls. Very calm atmosphere where you can meditate or sleep. I highly recommend it.

– Started the first of a three-part dream fulfillment: Taking my 15-year-old grandson, Max, on a trip. With the help of a friend’s offer of a place to stay, we headed for a week in Key West, Florida. Priceless. Now to plan something for the other two.

169– Then there was going to the Pow Wow, Steam Punk Carnivale, a Kentucky Derby Party, writing KnoxZine articles, staying in touch with friends through Facebook, camping out under the stars, breaking in a new housemate, feeling the love of family.

I am blessed.