Another view of Carpe Diem

point of view. Realistic and truthful. Put work, love, passion in place of parenting and it works out the same. I agree with what she says; know that I drive some people to distraction with my use of the motto, but it is my best reminder that we have only today.

Note: This is a Huff Post Parents from 2012.

Every time I’m out with my kids — this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers — “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” — those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls.Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”

That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times — G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes by so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add — “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up — I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here’s what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. It’s those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is — This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God — she is so beautiful.Kairos.

Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.

It Was A Very Good Year

Between my 70th and 71st birthdays:

– Surprise birthday party orchestrated by my daughter. Amazing because although she had invited people several months before and I saw some of these friends on a weekly basis, no one spilled the beans. Total surprise and such fun–people from out-of-town and out-of-state. Three generations of some.

– My first significant fall as a senior. Not an experience I went looking for but I came out of it in fine shape and it didn’t take Boxie too long to recover. (See blog My 70th Year – Boomsday 2014 P. S. I am invited back this year!

– Civil War reenactment in Blountville, TN last October.  I enjoyed the history it presented, from the battle to the soldiers’ tents and the campfire kitchens. Reenactors are sticklers for authenticity which made a close up view of the women’s long hooped dresses and the surgeon’s tools all the more fascinating.

Then came the killing of the nine people attending church in Charleston, SC.

To me, the Confederate flag has never been  a symbol, but just a flag flown in the south during the War Between the States.  IMG_3711

My viewpoint is that of a white person born in 1944 in Georgia and growing up in Tennessee with a few years lived in North Carolina. I graduated high school right as segregation began. Beyond school books, I  never delved into what the 1860s period of history meant to others.

By attending the reenactment and then reading of the deaths in Charleston in June, I stepped out of my small world, learned some history, and was forced to confront that history in the present.

– I went to a The Edge, a Knoxville gay bar, alone, to see Del Shores perform.  Shores came to town right after one of his plays, Sordid Lives, was presented by Theatre Knoxville Downtown.

The play was utterly hilarious, and his show was recommended by a friend who worked with him once. I didn’t hesitate to buy a ticket, thinking others I knew would be going, but that didn’t happen so I ventured out by myself. I didn’t mind going alone; it is better than staying at home.

The material he presented was just plain funny–He read real police reports which you thought had to be made up. A lot of his humor comes from being raised in the south, being the son of a Baptist preacher and being gay.

I came away from the evening, thankful he created a life based on laughter, not violence, and I am ready for the next encounter.

– Going by bus for the Women’s March on Nashville.(see blog My 70th Year – My First Activist March)052

– Celebrating with a great wake, the life of a friend who died after a long fight with cancer. There were at least four such parties and I am sure he enjoyed every one of them. No obit and no funeral for him.

– Found myself lying on the floor of Knoxville Soap, Candle and Gifts Shop for an hour, with a  large scarf covering my face and body, listening to singing bowls. Very calm atmosphere where you can meditate or sleep. I highly recommend it.

– Started the first of a three-part dream fulfillment: Taking my 15-year-old grandson, Max, on a trip. With the help of a friend’s offer of a place to stay, we headed for a week in Key West, Florida. Priceless. Now to plan something for the other two.

169– Then there was going to the Pow Wow, Steam Punk Carnivale, a Kentucky Derby Party, writing KnoxZine articles, staying in touch with friends through Facebook, camping out under the stars, breaking in a new housemate, feeling the love of family.

I am blessed.

Happy Birthday, America

Happy Birthday, America. A lot has happened this year, as always, some good and some bad. Most of us survived or died a natural death. Many of us left mourn losses which make no sense.

One distinction of aging is feeling others’ pain better than when I was young. I think more now about lives unfulfilled, and the bravery of those who swear to protect complete strangers, and the struggles faced by sorrowful men and women and children. 

A friend sent this adaptation of Psalm 122 by Stephen Mitchell, taken from his book, A Book of Psalms, published 1993 by Harper Collins. It is a good one to recite often these days. 

Psalm 122

I rejoiced when I heard them announce,
“The time of warfare is past.
No more will brother hate brother
or violence have its way.
No more will they drown out God’s silence
and shut their hearts to his song.”

Pray for peace in the cities
and harmony among the races.
May peace come to live on our streets
and justice within our walls.
With all my heart I will pray
that peace comes to live among us.
For the sake of all earth’s people,
I will do my utmost for peace.

 
I see fireworks from my window. Happy Birthday, America.